How I lost 40 pounds the "right" way.

I've thought about posting something specifically on my weight loss for a while now, but it's awkward. It seems some how self-promoting or bragging or something to that extent and while I'm proud of myself, I don't want to seem cocky or overly-confident or whatever you call it. I mean hey...who knows what will happen. I wouldn't want to do a walk of shame if in a year I'm back up to where I was! But...here I am, writing about it anyway.

A lot of people know how this began...back in January where after gaining what I swear was a pound every 2 days, I got on the scale one morning and said, "enough is enough". I'm not one to get stuck on numbers because so much goes into a person's particular number....muscle mass, height, yada yada. BUT...that morning I got on the scale and weighed 164 lbs. For ME, that was a lot. And the most I had ever weighed, disregarding pregnancy. And from that day forward, something just "clicked".

Now if I'm being honest with myself - and whoever is reading this, I have to really go back to the beginning. The real beginning of my battle with weight loss. It wasn't baby weight, or an extra 10 lbs, etc. It was representative of my struggle with weight since I was 13 years old. Those of you close to me know that I had struggled with both anorexia and bulimia in my early teen years. My mother was aware enough and wise enough to get me into therapy EARLY. My mother drove me every Saturday morning 35 minutes away to a therapist specializing in eating disorders for nearly a year! It taught me a lot. A lot about vices, self-preservation, coping mechanisms and how to overcome them. Though I struggled on and off until I got married in 2002, for all intents and purposes, I felt and feel recovered. So recovered in fact that I managed to let my eating get so out of control in the opposite direction without much thought. I had lost control. Which was the exact opposite of why and how I had turned to anorexia and bulimia in the first place...to gain control over something - anything that I could in my life.

And that's where I was last January. Eating half a bag of doritos, or oreos or fries and a milkshake or you name it without even a thought. Thus the weight-gain. Something clicked and I just knew I had to gain control again. I began slowly. Because I had no clue how many calories I was even eating in a day I had to begin by just trying to keep track. And boy was I in shock. It was somewhere around 3500/day. CRAZY. And amazingly, little changes WORKED. I stuck to 2000/day at first, eventually sticking to between 1600-1800. I added in more protein, whole grain carbs, portion control, etc. My original goal was 20 pounds. I remember thinking 20 pounds was A LOT and that I would be really skinny once I lost that. I remember losing the first 15 pounds or so relatively "easy". And then I got stuck! Up until that point, I hadn't been doing any exercise. Just food tracking. And that's when I was introduced to Zumba. I owe those final 5 pounds to Zumba. I got to 20 pounds lost somewhere at the end of May. And then lo and behold, I kept going. I realized I still wasn't where my body should be. And by that point, my eating and working out had become such a habit that it wasn't hard to keep going. I felt like it was just my new lifestyle. It hadn't been just a diet. I had really, actually succeeded in gaining "control". HEALTHY control. From there on out until October, I managed to lose another 20 pounds.

Now, during all this time I honestly hadn't given a second thought to my former, anorexic and bulimic-self. Not for one second. It wasn't until I was visiting with a girl in my ward who happens to work at an eating disorder treatment center that started this conversation about treatment that I even thought about what my life used to be like. And I was dumb-founded. I had been doing this weight-loss journey for 10 months and I hadn't even for one second contemplated starving myself or throwing up to achieve my goal! VICTORY.

I've had a lot of time in the last few weeks to reflect upon this. Talking about it brought up a lot of old feelings and mind-frames that I used to have. I held on to fear like a drug and couldn't let go for a long time. I remember at times seriously thinking I was crazy and that I would never be normal. I had deep moments of despair when I truly never thought I would overcome my eating disorders and yet, I have. I suppose I will always carry a tendency towards it or a weakness and susceptibility to it if I'm not careful, but I was able to overcome it. I remember as I was speaking with this girl in my ward what an overwhelming sense I had that I want to shout to these girls, "you CAN do this. You CAN overcome it. I'm living proof".

My point is...I guess, in writing all this and bearing my soul is that we all have weaknesses. I constantly beat myself up for not being a good enough wife, mother, teacher, whatever... you (fill in the blank). We all do it at times. BUT. I have progressed. I have learned discipline. I have been able to gain some sort of semblance of control in my life. Even if only in regards to my weight. (Though I still fight tendencies not to shovel and entire chocolate cake into my mouth at times.) ha ha.

I suppose the key is balance and moderation in all things. Which is a difficult to do. But I feel, at least with regards to eating and healthy living, I have done it. And you can too! If that's what you're looking for. Because if I can go from one extreme to the other and back again to find middle-ground, anyone can do it.